Three secrets
With so much time and effort going into the Big Day why not take a moment to think about the years that follow?
I am the minister of a busy church I have seen lots of things go wrong at weddings. Like The bride who turned up an hour late, or the registrar who lost the vital certificate, and the photographer who accidentally erased all the pictures. There was one bride who had secretly changed her surname by deed poll to a gorgeously elaborate triple-barrelled Italian one - she was christened plain Jayne Smith. Her dad knew nothing of the name change so, when he heard me say her new name, he got the giggles. He was far too helpless with laughter to say "I do" when it came to giving her away.
Then there was the flower arrangement at the front of the church with those lovely candles that someone so helpfully lit before the service. But the flowers were silk and the candles just for show. As the bride arrived at the altar the whole centrepiece burst into flames. We were rescued by a quick thinking usher with a fire extinguisher.
Any of these things could happen at your wedding; but it doesn't matter! Seriously, it doesn't matter. This is much more important: as you plan for The Big Day why not give some thought to the decades that will follow it? Here's a little quote from the novel, Captain Correli's Mandolin.
"Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not... eternal passion, it is not the desire to mate every second minute. That is just being 'in love', which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away... Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree not two."
I want every couple that I marry to know what that feels like, and over the years I have learned some of the secrets that make this possible and I have tried to pass them on.
Interested?
Here's the first: be the best of friends and prefer the company of your fiancée to that of anyone else. I enjoyed reading this recently in an interview with Monty Don the TV gardener:
Sarah and I have been together for 25 years and there's no-one's company I have ever wanted more. She doesn't like all the same things that I like, or share all my interests. Despite that, I hate being away from her for more than thirty minutes... While sex and romance are important factors, it is friendship - hopefully, the deepest closest friendship you will ever know - that makes it work.
Friendships need maintenance, so here's a second secret: learn how to repair a damaged one. Of course you are going to have struggles, and there will be moments when you will wonder how you are going to stay together. There is a simple technique for times like this; stop trying to defeat each other and learn to use your energy to defeat the issue that caused the rift.
When couples fall out, they often behave like two battleships; each one blasting at the other, until one of them sinks! The trick is to learn how to stop and then, rather than shooting at one another, turn your guns on the thing that caused the row and sink that instead! Let's put it another way; successful couples work together like the crew of a damaged ship - putting all that effort into repair work so they can move on. If you and your new bride or groom can work as a team to resolve your conflicts you will be ready for anything.
Even so, as you get older, won't you inevitably grow apart? Well, here's one last secret; yes, the love you feel for your partner will change with time, but if you are careful to grow your friendship then your love will grow deeper. Claire Rainer describes it like this:
"We'll have been married forty-three years this year. It wasn't an accident, it wasn't luck. The harder you work at your marriage the luckier you get. We have become a couple, not two individuals. We have fun together, more fun than we have apart. I still fancy him and, thank God, he still seems to fancy me."
When you get married your life will be very busy, so put a date in the diary every week, an evening together just to have fun - every week of the year without fail. Take practical steps like this and you will grow your friendship.
When a couple makes an appointment to see me with a view to getting married I always ask them the same question, "Why do you want to do this?" Almost always they look at one another bashfully and say, "Because we love each other!" This is the opening I need to ask them the vital question, "Do you have a better reason?" That usually leaves them open mouthed, and it gives me the chance to tell them about the three secrets.
Enjoying your life together is not about luck, and even passion is not quite enough to take you through. Set out to learn the skills you need to remain the closest of friends and the love will be with you for longer than you dare dream.